Best Single Piece of Advice for New Moms!

I'm sure your experience has been no different from mine.  People giving unwanted advice.  It started in pregnancy and honestly, it hasn't stopped yet.  And I will say it: I am a damn good mom! So it isn't like I am royally screwing up and I need to be saved - folks are just well-meaning and can't seem to help themselves.

In addition, so much of the advice I got was around how not to spoil my child or around sleep routines.  "If you hold her too much she won't sleep well" people said. "If you rock her or nurse her before a nap she will always need to be rocked or nursed to nap."

But every once in a while someone would share an absolute gem of advice.  And this is one that I wish I had followed earlier: HOLD YOUR BABY!

No I am not kidding.  It is a simple concept but let me explain more:

One of the biggest shocks to me as a new mom was how MY schedule for doing things switched to HER schedule for doing things.  Every time my daughter fell asleep I would immediately put her in her pack and play and RUN to try and get something done.  Dishes, laundry, vacuuming etc. I was in a frenzy because I never knew how long those naps would last! 

But you CANNOT spoil an infant.  It just isn't possible. Ask your Doctor.  

One day I had a couple of friends visiting.  When it was her nap time I laid her down in the pack n play and continued the visit.  I was proud of the fact that she went to sleep on her own and stayed asleep during the visit as we chatted and laughed. I was thinking to myself :"Ta- da!  Look at how well my baby sleeps!  I am doing this parenting thing pretty well right?!!"  But my friend asked me a question that went against all the advice I had heard.  "Why don't you hold your baby?" 

Swaddled and napping in her Pack N Play at 10 days old

My initial reaction was confusion.  Her nap time is MY time to get things done. Or to drink a hot beverage.  Or to swear if I need to.  I hold her all the time when we laugh, and play or nurse.  What do you mean why don't I hold her?  

My friend was right.  

The next day it was rainy out.  I grabbed a stack of books, snacks, water, blankets, my phone and the remote and we made a little mommy and baby snuggle station in the living room.  Everything I needed was in reach.  And we snuggled in the recliner ALL DAY.  I literally held her ALL DAY.  When she was awake I read to her. When she slept I got to enjoy reading or watching TV or Pinteresting.  We snuggled and stared at each other and it was just wonderful.

Snuggled up reading "A fine Romance" by Susan Branch

Two years have passed and that that day sticks out in my memory as one of the very best day during my maternity leave.  I wish I had done this more.  It is so true that times goes by in the blink of an eye. 

Yes the laundry still needs to be done.  Food needs to be cooked. The dog needs a bath and we all know the house won't clean itself.  But after that rainy day I made a point to allow myself to rock her to sleep once in a while.  I would hold her while she slept and enjoy the new baby smell of her hair and the little grip of her fingers. We should not feel guilty for taking advantage of nap time to get things done.  But we also shouldn't feel guilty when we hold our babies either. I wasn't spoiling her by holding her. I was recharging my soul.  

Blog Post Two Years in the Making...

I started this blog two years ago when I was in postpartum bliss.  As a new mom I was thirsty for knowledge about the best toys to buy, the best books to read and what to expect as a parent.  I spent a lot of time on Pinterest and reading mommy-blogs and product reviews. It wasn’t long before I felt the call to create my own blog.  I was eager to help others they way I felt helped by such a warm community of parents.  I was a blog-believer! I also felt like there was a niche for me.  I am an older mom - or as one of my doctors once said “of advanced maternal age”.  The way I experience motherhood is different at 35 than it would have been if we had been able to have kids 10 years ago.  I am also a working mom.  I work full-time at a job that I love - and I hadn’t come across as many working mother blogs as I initially expected.  

As a new mom I was as tired and overwhelmed as any new parent, but I also felt content in a way I never knew was possible. Those early weeks were spent going to breastfeeding groups and story-time at the library.  We took walks around the neighborhood and I would point out the trees and leaves and chatter on about all the new and exciting sites she could view from her stroller.  And the pictures.  I took so many pictures!  So while my little one slept beside me I opened matching twitter and pinterest accounts and I wrote two blog posts.  I waited in anticipation for the world to notice me.

You’re laughing.  I can hear you laughing at me even as I type these words. If only it was that easy, am I right?  And I am talking about motherhood here just as much as blogging.  I just didn’t get how challenging either of those things would be.  In my defence, you must remember that I was full of new-mom hormones at the time.  Not only did my two very short blog posts go completely unnoticed (shocker I know) but my maternity leave ended and I had to go back to work. Suddenly everything shifted from rainbows to storm clouds.  

I was completely blindsided with how hard it was to go back to work.  Never in my life had I  ever considered being a stay-at-home mom. My mom worked.  All my friends were working mothers.  It wasn’t until I was faced with putting my daugher in the hands of another for eight hours a day that I felt the weight of choices I hadn’t even realized I’d made.  What was the point of even having a child if I was going to turn her over to someone else to care for every day? Someone else would feed her, read to her and teach her about the world.  How many firsts would I miss?  Would she call someone else mom instead of me? What if she loved her more than me?  I was completely and totally devastated.

In addition to being gone eight or more hours per day, there was laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning and all those things we do everyday to take care of ourselves and our families.   Suddenly these responsibilities turned to burdens.   As she got older, she slept less and decided to boycott babywearing which made my attempts at multi-tasking more challenging. I tried putting things off until she was down for the night but then I was cleaning at 8:30 at night and who wants to do that when you are already grumpy and exhausted? There was no time for blogging. None.

Guilt. Frustration. Resentment. Exhaustion.  I felt guilty if every moment of my daughters awake time wasn’t spent together.  As more time passed I kept thinking - I need to share what I am going through. I need to blog about this and let other moms know they are not alone in this struggle.   I didn’t stop blogging after two posts because no one noticed me.  I stopped because seriously, I had no freaking time!  

So what’s changed?  What brought me back almost two years later?  I am still working full-time.  I am still a wife and mother and no, unfortunately we didn’t hire a housekeeper.  But I have learned some valuable lessons in the last two years that have helped me get through.  Because that voice urging me to share my experiences has never stopped.  Here are some of the things I have learned that work for me:

Lesson #1: Being a good parent is about quality not quantity.  This advice was given to me by a co-worker right after I got back to work. She understood the struggle I was having making the transition and this soon became my mantra. Just because I am working full-time does not mean I am not raising my daughter.  My husband and I make parenting decisions together for our daughter and our childcare providers carry out those expectations during our time apart.  Eight hours is a lot of time to spend apart each day but it has forced me to be more mindful of how we spend our time together when we have it.

Lesson #2: Keep working with your partner to find balance.  Don’t expect to be supermom or superdad without help.  We all need it. I waited to long to communicate my feelings with my partner and it could have had huge repercussions. Talk about it. And keep talking about it.

Lesson #3: You ARE going to miss things.  My daughter was with my mother the first time she rolled over.  She texted me and I started crying right in the middle of a meeting. Thankfully my co-workers were sympathetic but it was a rough moment.  Thankfully there are lots of firsts that happen and I have been present for most of them.  In my daughter’s baby book there are two dates for the first time she rolled over, one date with Grammy and one with my husband and I.

Lesson #4: Stay home with your child when they are sick.  I have never used so much sick time in my life as I have since becoming a parent.  But that is what it is for right?  No matter what is going on a work, your child needs to know they come first.  There is no time that is more important than when they are sick, plus it keeps germs from spreading to other families.

Lesson #5: Technology can be your best friend and also your worst enemy.  Use calendars, alerts, and reminders to help schedule your time.  But when it is family time, turn off the TV and put your devices away.  Don’t text and eat supper.  Don’t surf the web while your little one is doing tummy time.  Instead, make eye contact.  Talk, share and enjoy the moments because they really do go by so incredibly fast.

Lesson #6: Create small routines that are special for the two of you. These create special moments and also help keep you in check when you start to swing out of balance.  I have a special song I sing with my daughter in the morning before I drop her off at childcare.  It is my way of letting her know I will miss her and look forward to seeing her later.  Whether in the morning or evening, I try to make sure we read at least one book together each day.  If we miss story time than I know I need to regroup and adjust my time.

Lesson #7: Being at stay at home mom is really hard!  I look back on those blissful early days home with my daughter and I have to acknowledge that was when she was a newborn and slept all the time it was much easier to get housework done.  Now that she is a toddler who only naps 1.5 hours during the day it is a whole different ball game! When we have days together just the two of us, I get a taste of what being a SAHM must be like.  As awesome as those days are, I am always exhausted at the end of them. I miss my daughter when we are apart and that is okay.

Lesson #8: Take pride in your work.  I am so fortunate because  love the work that I do. I work for an organization that does great things and I am making an important contribution to my family and that has a whole lot of value.   Most days I still wish I could carry my daughter around in my pocket like a kangaroo, but in reality, how much fun would that be for her?  While we are apart I work my butt off and give 100% to my employer because otherwise the time missed would just not be worth it!

Lesson #9: She is okay. Not just okay, my daughter is thriving. If in anyway, I felt like I was causing her harm - I would find another way. But the reality is that our whole family is doing well with this arrangement. It was a huge adjustment but despite the dishes in the kitchen sink, the toys all over the living room and the fact that I don't remember the last time I got 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, life is good.

So I am back! I have read that to be successful as a blogger you need to write a new post every day. Well folks, that just isn’t going to happen!  My goal will be to write a post at least once a week and hope I can figure out how to get the most exposure so that those who will be interested will somehow find me.  Fingers crossed it won’t be another two years before my next post!  

Thanks for hanging in there.  Now it is your turn. Please share what lessons you have learned that helped make your transition back to work easier!

Labor Surprises!

Prior to giving birth, I read a lot, talked to friends and family, watched videos of women giving birth, took the tour at my hospital and more.  I did everything I thought I could to prepare for my birth experience.  And yet, there were things that still surprised me.  Here are a few unexpected things that happened to me:

1. Having your water break isn't always a cut and dry experience - Okay, so it is never a "dry" experience but with me it was also a bit confusing.  I woke up at 2:30 AM to pee and when I stood up: gush.  It was early in the morning and I was half asleep and I wasn't quite sure that my bladder hadn't just let go.  Okay, I was pretty sure it wasn't urine but not 100% sure.  The most interesting thing was when I got to the hospital, they were not sure either! They do a little litmus type test and it was inconclusive! They did two more tests on me and they all came back inconclusive.  No idea why. Eventually, I was admitted because as I was laying there in the hospital bed the doctor could see the water flowing out of me.  
2. Labor can be boring - I feel guilty even writing this but it is true.  My labor experience was long and parts of it were just not that exciting.  After the initial excitement of believing our baby was on the way...hubby and I experienced several hours of down time.  I tested positive for Strep B so I had to stay at the hospital after my water broke for regular antibiotics and and IV.   I was having contractions but could barely feel them and they were very irregular. So we walked, I used the labor ball, drank water, walked some more, used the breast pump and did everything I could think of to get this baby on her way. Eventually we decided to use pitocin to get things moving and things got more exciting from then on, but there were many hours of just nothing.
3. You are not in labor yet -Okay so I just said that labor can be boring.  But technically, I wasn't actually in labor yet.  Just because your water breaks doesn't mean you are in labor. Even when my contractions started getting painful, really painful one of the nurses said I still wasn't "in labor".  This was one of those frustrating moments because I really felt like I was working hard to bring this child into the world and to hear that I wasn't in labor was rather disheartening. It didn't mean she wasn't on her way, just that we didn't meet the technical requirements for labor.  *sigh*
4. Hot flashes - When the baby finally moved into position and it was time to push I had the worst hot flashes ever!  My mother would soak towels with icy cold water and throw them on my back and the relief only lasted about 30 seconds. She said a normal person would have screamed.  I just sighed. This didn't end until I went in for the c-section.  
5. Epidurals don't always work - Listen carefully when the anesthesiologist tells you all the things that can happen with an epidural including the fact that it may not work.  Mine worked early on but I had to have it boosted twice. During the pushing phase I wanted to be able to move around anyway so I finally just gave up on the epidural. 
6. Not pushing, when your body wants to push, is painful - After three hours of pushing, the decision was made to have a c-section, and it was time to stop pushing.  I had to wait about 30 minutes before the brought me to the operating room.  The contractions during that time were the worst I had. 
7. C-section guilt - Laying flat on the table I felt so many emotions.  The primary one was guilt for having a c-section.  I sobbed and apologized to my unborn baby while the doctors and nurses worked.  I felt like I failed her by not having a vaginal birth.  Of course I know this is beyond ridiculous but at the time it was awful. Once she was born and they laid my beautiful girl down on my neck, I didn't care about anything except that she was safe and healthy. But the guilt was something I would eventually have to deal with and let go of. 
8. C- Section and vacuum use - I thought having a c-section was just a matter of opening me up and taking her out, but sometimes things are more complicated.  My daughter was wedged in the birth canal with her head facing back over her shoulder.  I couldn't feel anything but I could tell how hard they were working to free her from my body.  My husband kept a poker face the whole time but told me afterwards that it was terrifying to watch.   I could hear the panic in the doctors voice when she asked for the vacuum. Finally my daughter was born but those few moments were scary.
9. Water weight - Some women have feet that swell during pregnancy.  I was lucky and this didn't happen to me.  But after being in the hospital for two and a half days hooked up to an IV with fluids I had a LOT of water weight.  My whole body was swollen but my feel were the worst.  It lasted for about two weeks postpartum. 

Every woman and child have their own birth story.  I went to the hospital at 4:00 on a Friday morning, and she was born by c-section on Sunday morning.  I went through every possible emotion in those hours from excitement and nervousness, to fear, anxiety and guilt.  It is true what they all say, in the end, when they put that baby in your arms, it is ALL worth it! 

I am new to blogging, and new to motherhood.  Please share your feedback. I would love to hear if you had surprises similar to mine or totally different. 

Nine SIMPLE Tips to Help Keep You Sane During Pregnancy!

Don't get me wrong, I LOVED being pregnant.  But it wasn't all unicorns and rainbows.  Here are nine simple tips that made my pregnancy experience easier!

1. Pinterest.com - Information is KEY to staying sane during pregnancy.  Pinterest may claim to be a social networking site, but for me it was my own pregnancy search engine!  Any question you have about pregnancy, from deciding if you need a flu shot, to how to tell if your baby is really kicking, can be answered here.  Do a search, check out some pins and read some blogs. I also created my own boards filled with ideas for decorating the nursery, parenting tips and more.  As a side note, I love blogs but I found message boards to be very negative.  I am sure that are many that are not, but early on in my pregnancy I decided to avoid them after reading many rude, ignorant and misinformed comments.  If you know of a positive message board related to pregnancy please share. It was the many blogs I read that made me decide to create my own blog. 
2. Pregnancy pillow - Someone told me once that being pregnant is as exhausting for your body as climbing up and down a mountain every day.  I don't know if that is true or how big of a mountain we are talking about, but one thing is certain, being pregnant is exhausting AND sleep is essential.  Pregnancy pillows are designed to provide support for aching legs, back and bellies.  There are many different brands and styles.  I recommend finding one that allows for a variety of positions because your body changes and wants different things during different trimesters.  I used mine to combat back pain and sometimes used it propped up behind me so that I wouldn't sleep on my back (a pregnancy no-no). I also suggest that you get one with a removable cover.  This is the one I used: preggle.  Get as much sleep as you can and don't feel bad when you go to bed at 7:00.  
3. Water cup - The average human body is 50 - 65% water.  It just goes to show that if you are growing an extra person, you are going to need to stay hydrated.  Many books and blogs link dehydration during pregnancy to morning sickness and headaches.  I don't know if there is any truth to that...but I made a point to stay hydrated.  The easiest way I found to do this was to have designated water cups to help me keep track of my water consumption. I had one that held two cups of water and one that held four.  By keeping track of how often I filled them during the day I made sure to consume at least 8 to 10 cups of water per day.  
4. Pregnancy Apps - "This week your baby is the size of an onion!" There are lots of free pregnancy apps out there.  I used two of them regularly and found them to be fun and helpful.  I downloaded many but ended up sticking with two of them.  Babycenter (recommended by my OBGYN for providing credible information) and BabyBump Pregnancy Free. They were both free on my phone and kindle and gave weekly and daily updates.  
5. Prenatal appointments - This may seem obvious but you would be surprised at how many people skip prenatal appointments. Pregnancy impacts every part of your body, from the hair on our legs, to the obvious belly bump so you are going to have questions and concerns. Find a medical professional that you trust and be sure to go to your appointments.  Being pregnant for the first time, and also being over 35, I was really worried that something might go wrong with the pregnancy.  It was SO helpful to hear positive feedback with every visit that things were progressing well and to get all my questions answered.  There is nothing like hearing that little heartbeat! Many doctors will even let you record the sound on your phone. 
6. Crackers: I was one of the fortunate ones who didn't have too much morning sickness during pregnancy.  In my first trimester I had a periods of nausea at all times of the day, but only became physically ill once.  I learned that keeping water and crackers handy helped battle the nausea and often I would feel better within a few minutes.  In my third trimester, the nausea came back again anytime I went more than 2 hours without eating.  I started carrying little bags of soup crackers around in my purse and my car so that I wouldn't be caught without them.  For you it might be crackers, or an apple or whatever.  Just find something that works and don't leave home without it.
7. Bathroom breaks: It is true what they say about pregnancy - eventually your bladder will turn against you.  The trick here is to go to the bathroom before you do anything: before going to bed, before going shopping, before you sit down to eat dinner.  Anytime a bathroom might not be handy (or sanitary) try to be proactive and go ahead of time.  You will still have times when you need to make a run for it, but if you make this a practice from the get-go you can avoid doing the pee-pee dance in front of your boss at the next staff meeting. 
8. Yoga: The average woman gains 20-30 pounds during pregnancy. My sister gained over 60 pounds when she got pregnant with her second child.  I was terrified that this could happen to me so I wanted to be active but I didn't exactly start out if the best shape.  Yoga worked for me because it was something I could without much fuss and it was safe for all three trimesters.  On nights when I was too tired to do the whole session I could at least sit down and do a few poses before bed and it made such a difference in how I felt. I rotated different workouts but the one I like the best was Prenatal Yoga You can stream it for free if you have Amazon Prime.
9. Journal: At thirty-five, I had almost given up on being pregnant.  Once it finally happened, I felt the need to document the experience, knowing it might never happen again.  I bought The Ultimate Pregnancy Journal as a way to savor my experiences.  It was a fun way to record memories and on those really challenging days I could look back and see how far I had progressed. 

Okay, so those were my 9 simple tips.  I would really like to hear your thoughts.  What helped to keep you sane while you were pregnant?